How To Be Misunderstood And Have Others Assume The Worst

A poker face is an asset when playing poker, but I don’t like playing poker. In real life, it is a recipe for being misunderstood. I speak from experience here. In a card game, the purpose of a poker face is, after all, to deceive others, to make them guess what you’re thinking while offering no helpful clues.

Like a freshly painted wall in a dark corner of the city, a flat and unchanging expression is an irresistible canvas waiting to be tagged with the emotional graffiti of everyone around you. We are all exquisitely equipped to read the facial expressions, tone of voice, movements, and body language of those around us. When we don’t match those outward cues to our inner state — to how we’re really feeling — people will make up a story. It will usually be wrong, and rarely will it be a charitable interpretation.

Emotional Expression, along with Assertiveness and Independence, is part of the Self-Expression composite the EQ-i 2.0™ model of emotional intelligence.

What is Emotional Expression?

Emotional Expression is openly expressing your feelings verbally and non-verbally.

Others experience people with high Emotional Expression as authentic, transparent, and connected. They feel like they know what is going on with you, which helps create open communication and stronger relationships.

With low emotional expression, you leave yourself open to frequent misinterpretation. When others cannot gauge what you are thinking and feeling, they make up stories to fill in the gaps (“he doesn’t like me,” “she’s trying to trick me,” etc.). Unfortunately the stories they make up will almost always be wrong, and often far worse than the truth. That's great in a game of poker, but it is a recipe for trouble in the real world. Low emotional expression occurs to those around you as a refusal to connect and be open. This limits the level of trust and compassion that could otherwise be possible.

Well-developed Emotional Expression, on the other hand, signals authenticity and availability. It allows others to relax and feel connected.

Two things you can do to improve Emotional Expression right now:

1. In your next conversation, verbalize what you are feeling (note, this requires Emotional Self-Awareness!): “I’m so happy to hear that,” “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by all this detail,” “I am really frustrated about that decision.” People can’t read your mind.
2. Inform your face. Has anyone ever asked you how you’re feeling, and you say, “I’m great, why?” and they respond with, “You might want to inform your face?" In other words, your facial expression is communicating something, and the other person is doubting that it’s what you really intend to communicate. Notice your expression, your posture, your body language and ask yourself if they match how you’re actually feeling. If not, adjust as necessary!

Too much of a good thing:

You can probably guess what happens when Emotional Expression goes too far. People with unbalanced high Emotional Expression tend to emotionally hijack objective conversations, using them as a reason to share personal information. They can dominate by injecting their own emotions into issues that do not involve them.

Intentionally suppressing your high Emotional Expression, however, is counterproductive. Instead, focus on doing more of those behaviors that create balance. These include focusing more attention on EI dimensions like Impulse Control, Empathy, and Interpersonal Relationships.

Thank you for reading, and stay tuned for more on emotional intelligence. In this series, we will be doing a deep dive into each EQ–i 2.0 sub-scale, explaining how it plays into overall EI, and looking at actionable opportunities for developing it further. In the meantime, you can subscribe to our newsletter via email to make sure you don’t miss future articles like this one, and you can click here if you are interested in taking the EQ–i 2.0 assessment.