Just the other day, Martha and I set out for a walk with our dogs, Ruby and Spark. Spark is two years old, and is highly enthusiastic about, well, pretty much everything.

A summer storm had just rumbled through, finally offering some relief from the steam-oven heat and humidity, and many families were outside enjoying the reprieve. A block or two down the street, a human two year old was playing in a large puddle.

Spark also likes puddles, so I let him wade in and approach the little boy, slowly spooling out the leash so he could not bolt too close too fast. Unfortunately, the human two year old was absorbed in puddle play and was startled when he noticed the canine two year old a few feet away.

Human two year old expressed his feeling that this was the most catastrophic and traumatizing event in recorded history, and devolved into screaming, sobbing terror. Oops.

Mom to the Rescue

Mom had a couple choices here:

• Option One: Oh come on! That’s ridiculous. It’s just a puppy!
• Option Two: Oh my gosh! Did that scare you?!

Mom picked up the wailing kid and chose Option Two. I also picked up a slightly confused Spark, and backed up a few feet.

Mom chose wisely. The catastrophe was quickly resolved, and puddle play resumed.

The Temptation of Option One

Parents, spouses, coworkers, and bosses, however, regularly choose option one.

It’s understandable. Human two-year old’s reaction really was grossly disproportionate to the actual events. It was not supported by the facts and data of the situation. This was relatively obvious to everyone except the human two-year old.

Why, then, is it the wrong option?

Option one is ineffective because the only one who gets to decide if the emotion is real is the person experiencing it. Option one invalidates the two-year old’s emotional experience.

In the short term, this only makes things worse, because it kicks off an emotional invalidation spiral that never ends well.

In the long term, repeated emotional invalidation can lead to broader emotional dysregulation.

Two Functions of Emotions

In our Emotional Intelligence Essentials course, we describe how all of our complex human emotions appear to have evolved from eight basic emotions that we share with primates and other mammals:

1. Fear
2. Anger
3. Sadness
4. Disgust
5. Interest
6. Surprise
7. Acceptance
8. Joy

Function One: Emotions Move Us to Action

For any individual, the primary function of these emotions is to elicit action. For example, fear says, “Danger! Run!” Disgust says, “Don’t eat that! It’s harmful!” These basic emotions are crucial to our survival.

Yet, we do more than just experience emotions; we also express them.

Why? If the internal experience of fear gets you to run away from danger, expressing it externally is not necessary for survival, yet that is exactly what we do, via facial expressions, vocalizations, body language, and even odors (yes, you really can smell fear).

Function Two: Emotions Communicate Urgent Messages

We do this because emotions also serve as a rapid communication system to those around us.

That is why the receiver’s response to emotional expression is just as important as the sender’s internal experience. It also explains why invalidation of others' emotions is problematic.

The Invalidation Spiral

If the receiver invalidates our emotional expression, we interpret that as “Message not received.” This can set off a downward spiral that negatively impacts both parties.

Here’s how it works, using our startled two-year old as an example:

1. Sender (two-year old in the puddle)
   • Internal Emotional Experience: Fear! (startled by Spark)
   • External Emotional Expression: Crying, distressed facial expression
2. Receiver (mom)
   • Internal: Surprise - pay attention!
   • External: “Oh, come on! You’re fine. It’s just a puppy.” (Invalidation)
3. Sender
   • Internal: Delivery Failure: Message Not Received
   • External: ESCALATE the emotion - Cry LOUDER
4. Receiver
   • Internal: Anger, frustration, distressed by the kid’s distress
   • External: ESCALATE the invalidation - “Stop that! You’re being ridiculous!”
5. Return to Step 3. Repeat as necessary.

At some point in this negative spiral of escalations, one party will back down. Often it is the receiver, but it can also be the sender. Either way, undesirable behavior is reinforced.

If the receiver / mom backs down, the behavior that is reinforced is “I amplify my emotions until my needs are met.”

If the sender / kid backs down, the behavior that is reinforced is “I suppress my real emotions and feel how others need me to feel instead.”

Both behaviors are a form of emotional dysregulation, which directly opposes developing emotional intelligence.

What can we do instead?

Simple: start such interactions by validating the emotion that was expressed.

Wait! You might be thinking. You’re telling me to encourage my kid to cry over spilled milk? You think I should buy in to my coworker’s end-of-the-world meltdown over the boss asking him to fix a typo?!

No.

Validating the emotion does not mean you agree that it is appropriate to the situation.

Rather, you are simply confirming receipt of the emotional message. It’s the emotional equivalent of saying “copy” on the radio to mean “received and understood.”

To the typo-meltdown, “Wow, it looks like what the boss said really upset you.” Note that this statement is 100 percent true. You can still think it was a bit much.

Once the sender knows their emotional message was received and understood, THEN they are far more likely to have access to thinking and reason. THEN you can help your kid understand that when we spill milk, we just clean it up. No big deal.

Often the Emotion Is Appropriate

Importantly, this isn’t all about overly dramatic emotional senders. It is also about tone-deaf, low-empathy receivers.

Just as often, the invalidation spiral is kicked off because the sender is expressing a totally appropriate emotion, and the receiver completely dismisses it.

We have watched CEOs move on to the next agenda item immediately after a member of their leadership team reported that they were stressed out and struggling to meet deadlines because their mother had just died.

With the CEO / direct report power differential, in these cases it is usually the subordinate who will back down and internalize “Suppress that emotion; it’s not wanted here.”

Interrupt the Process Before It Gets Started

Avoiding this emotional invalidation spiral is actually easier than you might think. Start watching for it in your relationships. You will begin to see it everywhere, and when you do, you can now interrupt it.

If you catch yourself one sentence too late, just back up and fix it: Wait a second. I'm sorry, I can see that you're upset. I didn't mean to skip over that.

And remember, validating an emotion does not mean agreeing with it. Once you have demonstrated that you received the emotional message, you can then have a conversation about what is actually happening and start to find solutions.

In doing so, you will have set a course to better emotional regulation, increased emotional intelligence, and deeper, more meaningful, and more productive relationships. Good luck!

Until next time,
Greg