The Same Conversation Is the Wrong Conversation

A member of your project team—let’s call him Flash—fails to complete an important task by the agreed-upon date. You have a cordial conversation, and he explains that the supplier involved was shut down last week for plant maintenance. “OK, that’s legit,” you think to yourself. Flash can’t control the supplier’s maintenance schedule.

A week later, Flash fails to deliver on another important task. You speak with him again, and he explains there was an urgent priority for another project he’s working on. You are aware of this other project, and the division head has made clear that it is, in fact, the top priority.

Another week, another incomplete task, another conversation, and another solid excuse from Flash. Lather, rinse, repeat. Frustrating, but can you really call these “excuses?” His explanations always seem valid.

We all know Flash—a chronic under-performer whose shortcomings you just can’t seem to nail down. It’s never Flash’s fault. You feel stuck, and you suspect your boss will not be receptive to similar explanations from you. Yet you already know how the next conversation with Flash is going to go: pretty much exactly like the first three.

Time out.

When you find yourself having the same conversation over and over again, you are having the wrong conversation.

This is where we find the “CPR” model from Joseph Grenny and Kerry Patterson’s 2013 bestseller, Crucial Conversations, so useful. We use it regularly to extricate ourselves from these unproductive loops.

CPR stands for Content, Pattern, Relationship. It is a framework for three very different, but related, conversations.

Flash’s missed deadlines are Content. Content is a specific thing that happened. The first deadline that was missed because of the supplier’s plant shutdown is content. Flash’s prioritization of the other project and the second missed deadline is more content, as is the third (or fourth, or fifth, or nineteenth) missed deadline.

At some point, the Content is not the problem. The problem is the Pattern. The conversation you have been having is “Flash, I need to understand what delayed task X.”

The conversation you need to have is “Flash, I’m noticing a pattern of delays and missed deadlines. What is behind this pattern?”

That is a very different conversation. It gets you out of the legitimate excuses loop and addresses the real issue. Flash has a pattern of missed deadlines. When Flash continues to explain the content, you calmly reply, "I understand, but this conversation is not about any specific instance. It's about the pattern I am seeing."

If addressing the pattern still fails to resolve the issue, you risk getting stuck in another loop. To escape this different but still decaying orbit, you must change the conversation again. The pattern was not addressed, so now we’re talking about the Relationship. “Flash, we have discussed the pattern of missed deadlines and it has not really improved. I’m beginning to feel like I can’t count on you to get work done, and others are having to pick up the slack. This issue is beginning to jeopardize our relationship.”

Content, Pattern, and Relationship are three very different conversations. An undesired pattern of behavior will never get resolved in conversations about the specific content.

So what to do about Flash? Flash is just a slacker, right?

Maybe, but beware: this is where you can really get yourself into trouble. You don’t know what’s going on with Flash, and if you go into any of these three conversations with negative assumptions and judgments, you might experience a very uncomfortable surprise. We’ve seen it. We’ve done it ourselves. It’s not fun.

Flash might reply with:

• "I know. I’m so stressed out. The CEO (your boss) gave me a side project and I’m struggling to balance it with my regular work… but she’s the CEO."
• "There’s no chance of this project getting done on time. Everyone knows it, but they are afraid to tell you because you are not very approachable."
• "I found out last month that my wife has cancer." (Dramatic? Yes. Something that really happens? Also yes.)

Your frustration and even anger with the Flashes of the world might be justified. But if you initiate a conversation from that place, it is guaranteed to go poorly. Next thing you know, you are having a conversation with your boss about your pattern of ineffective people management, because your job is to figure out how to resolve complex issues just like this. To avoid that, you must get yourself to a place of neutral curiosity before you have any of these conversations about Content, Pattern, or Relationship.

Finding that place of neutral curiosity amidst the very real pressures of important business objectives can be tricky, but we can help. You can vent to us, examine any baggage you might be adding to the mix, and practice having a better conversation.

Schedule a free introductory executive coaching session to get started.